This was the (very long) best man speech for a Jewish wedding in California, written after several consultations and revisions with the client. The part about Michael Bublé is true. All names have been changed.
Good evening everyone. Hi Mike [the groom], Kara, Mom, Dad, Etei, Benji, relatives, and strangers I am unfamiliar with but who are all very well dressed. My name is Michael. I’ honoured to be the best man for this wedding, and as such, I’m going to give the best speech. I have prepared 45 minutes of material. There are multimedia elements and a small dance number. No – I’m going to keep things short so that we can all get back to what we’re here for – laughing, dancing, and consuming as many hors d’oeuvres as humanly possible.
However, on that note, before we move on, if anyone here’s interested in a little action, immediately after this speech I will be taking bets on the over/under for Uncle Chaim’s speaking length. I’ve set the time at 85 minutes. Sorry, to be clear, that’s just for the first part of the speech.
It is a truly great honor and a great joy for me to stand here this evening, finally toasting Mr. and Mrs. Bernstein! Of course, how can you not feel joyful, celebrating true love. If you’re lucky, there comes a time in your life when you find your soulmate. The person that you will know and love and cherish and be annoyed by more than any other the rest of your life. Your destiny. And I know that for Mike, he had that moment. He had that moment 17 years ago, when he met me.
Mike and I are best friends. And, like so many best friendships before us, ours started in a Hawaiian hot tub. I think we both knew right away that we were going to be the best of friends. We also knew that hot tubs are the best and that our backs never felt better. Right from our watery start, we’ve been practically inseparable.
Not only did I gain a best friend on that sunny Hawaiian day, I also gained a Best Family. They’ve made me feel welcome from the beginning. I consider being a part of this family one of my life’s greatest blessings. I feel so close to all of you that sometimes I feel like Mike’s brothers are my brothers. And tonight, now that I’m giving this best man speech, I am surprised and humbled that I am apparently the favorite brother.
It’s wonderful to look around and see so many people here, some of them from as far away as Europe, Israel and the Valley. It’s a testament to the love and affection this room has for Mike and Kara. Moreover, it’s a testament to the power of a free meal.
This wedding and the surrounding events leading up to it have been excellent affairs. Thank you very much Maurice and Claire and Joannie and Marc. In fact, Claire has done so much to plan every aspect of this wedding, that to everyone here I offer you this challenge: Ask Mike a detail about this wedding. Any detail at all. If you get an answer that is anything other than a bewildered shrug or a murmur, I will give you $10,000. The other day I asked him who he was marrying. He managed to answer Kara, but it took a very long time, and he was covered in so much sweat, California told him he was using too much water. So Mike and Kara [directly to Mike: You married KARA], congratulations on your marriage and everything, but Claire, congratulations on the wedding.
Claire, Kara and all of us have had to wait a long, long, long, long, LONG time for this wedding to happen. 12 years. Instead of walking down the aisle to Pachelbel’s Canon in D, it should have been to the Hallelujah chorus. Claire – bit of an oversight there. C’mon, shape up. Seriously, Mike, you waited so long to ask Kara to marry you even rush hour traffic on the 405 was like, ‘Let’s get it moving.’
And you know who else has been waiting a long time for this, and also deserves mention tonight? Jaden the dachshund. Jaden, great job at the wedding tonight. Take a bow. Jaden’s very low to the ground already, so it may not be obvious he’s bowing, but he is. Good boy, Jaden. Good boy.
Kara, you always look great, but tonight you look absolutely stunning. I haven’t seen a prettier bride since Ophelia at our wedding. Mike is marrying such an accomplished, amazing woman. Over the last 12 years, Kara’s completed a bachelor’s degree, then a Master’s degree, then converted to Judaism. Kara’s already become such a good Jew, earlier tonight she guilted me into calling my mother, who’s already here in this room. My mother, a more experienced Jew, saw me across the room, answered the phone anyway and said, ‘Son, how come you never call me?’
Kara, Mike once said to me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married, but if he did, he knew it wouldn’t be to anyone other than you. Once he’s no longer overwhelmed by this wedding and it sinks in he HAS married you, he’s going to be so happy.
Mike may have taken his time to ask Kara to marry him, but by Mike’s standards, it was perfectly reasonable, because Mike is a man who goes through phases. There was the Mountain Man phase. Long hikes. Trips to the exotic Channel Islands. A simultaneously wonderful and terrible horseshoe mustache. There was the hunting phase. Rifles, a few dearly-departed quail, trips to the exotic Kernville. There was the sailing phase. He got his sailing license. Trips to Catalina Islands. He could tie a significant number of exotic knots. Now, Mike has moved onto his drone phase. He carries this thing everywhere. He won’t admit this, but he may love it as much as Jaden. In short: Mike’s phases have come and gone. He masters them and moves on. Kara, though, has been the one phase that’s stuck. I get the feeling that, unlike Mike’s passions, Kara is a woman who will not be mastered. Mike has and will continue to devote himself wholeheartedly to Kara. Whatever other phases are to come in his life, I know that Kara will be by his side for all of them, wondering what she’s got herself into, but glad she did. Kara has been, and will always be his greatest passion of all. Kara, anyone who can put up with all of this for as long as you have gets my blessing. I’ve put up with it for 17 years, but I don’t have to live with the guy.
Here’s how I know Mike and Kara are going to make it. We had a bachelor party with Mike a few weeks back. We were at a Dude Ranch, doin’ dude stuff like dudes do. At one point I looked around and I realized that most of the guys that were there were life-long friends of Mike’s, not just work buddies or the like. Not everyone has that. Not everyone has that because you have to be the kind of man that inspires that kind of loyalty. Mike’s that man. The yearly payouts help, but if he didn’t have a solid personality behind it, we’d really struggle.
This would normally be the part of the speech where I’d share some embarrassing anecdote about Mike. However, he’s been annoyingly competent his whole life, so the best I can offer you is this story, and then I’ll wrap things up. Years ago, Mike was with me and my family in Lake Tahoe, at the Old Range Steakhouse. Everyone’s ordering their steaks. Mike goes for the biggest one on the menu, the King Cut. It was something like 3 pounds. We tried to dissuade him. No king in history has ever asked for that much meat. But Mike felt like a king that day, and decided to express it through a request for an enormous prime rib. Even though we all thought it was a terrible idea, once he ordered that steak, Mike made a food commitment, a commitment to finish that steak, one of the most sacred commitments a Jew can make. The steak came. It was, as advertised, a cut fit for a very gluttonous king. Mike tried, but only got through a quarter of it, at best. My parents were scandalized for years. Mike was so ashamed, he eventually grew a simultaneously wonderful and terrible handlebar mustache. In short, the worst I can say to embarrass Mike is: Mike, you’re lousy at eating enormous steaks!
Mike, despite that significant flaw, you’re my best friend. I am grateful for every day that I get to have you in my life. We’ve had so much fun together over the last 17 years. We’ve traveled all over the world together. We’ve caused crispy duck and dumpling shortages in several countries. We’ve partied with Michael Bublé and were probably instrumental to his success. Paul Anka loves us so much he bumps into us every couple years, pretending he didn’t know we’d be there.
Just as I’ve seen you go through all your many phases in life, so you’ve seen me go through mine, and through each one, you’re there for me, unconditionally, whenever I need you. I can’t count how many times I’ve come to you for advice in all sorts of matters. Sometimes your advice is terrible but just hearing the sound of your calm voice is enough to set me straight. You’ve been a rock for me and a constant inspiration for me to follow my passions. I’m so excited to see you become a husband. I’ve seen the warmth you extend to my children and your nieces and nephew, so I know you’ll make an excellent father. Mike, I love you. You are my brother, you’re my best friend, and I am honored to be your best man today. Here’s to the next 17 years and beyond, here’s to you, here’s to Jaden, here’s to you and Kara, here’s to Claire for writing this excellent speech. Mazel tov and L’chaim!
Jason Warner Talks Good 