November 4
It is continually strange to realise that there was a time that I didn’t know things. I couldn’t read, write, swim, walk, type, carry things from one room to another without the contents spilling everywhere. There was a time that I didn’t understand that there and they’re and their and therr and therrr are all completely different words with the same sound because the English language is often senseless.
Ethan is learning math. Sorry – maths. They call it maths here. Not only do the English stick u’s in words, like colour or quueen, sometimes they have to stick s’s to the end of words, like maths and historys.
Ethan’s hardest question today: 20 take away 4 is how many? He got so frustrated, almost tearful. Addition’s fine. Subtraction though – you can tell it doesn’t quite make sense yet, much like cars don’t make sense to me. It can be frustrating in the moment to see him answer 20 take away 4 is 16, but then be completely stumped by 20 take away 3 right after. Because of course it’s 17! But he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t see the pattern yet. And there was a time I didn’t either.
One of the great joys in parenting is watching him and Rose get more and more capable. These once-tiny, profoundlessly helpless, howling infants, are turning to us at the dinner table and saying, in English that they’ve learned, “Did you know, that before Louis Pasteur, children used to die more?” Rose saying things like, “Mummy, today I learned to draw a b [pronounced buh]. It goes like this,” and then she makes one in the air with her finger. She’s so pleased with herself that she can draw a b. I’m so pleased that she can draw a buh.
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One thing that will be even more pleasing to me than Rose drawing a zed in the air, is Rose finishing any meal in under 30 minutes. For lunch, I served up a lovely meal of spaghetti, pasta sauce, ricotta, pesto, and kale. I made the pasta sauce, and I made it AL DENTE. Rose ate all available cheese, and some pasta, leaving the kale for last. How much kale? Make a circle with your thumb and middle finger. That’s how much kale. That is not a lot of kale. And it was the kind of kale you have to pull off the stalk yourself. That’s the good stuff – you kale-heads know what I’m talking about. 15 minutes after we’d all finished our food and were now doing house chores, Rose was still sat there, staring at her kale. We tried several techniques, from cajoling to threats of no dessert that night. 30 minutes after we were all finished she was sat there, now weeping, the burden of kale weighing heavily upon her. 45 minutes after we left the table, Sara had completely reorganised the car, I’d cleaned up the kitchen, and Ethan was into his 12th minute of bashing some toys together while acting out a scene in whisper. Rose was heaving sobs like a friend had died. But in the end, after almost an hour, she ate that kale. 10 minutes later she was laughing with her brother about farts and poo, vitamin K surging through her system. At the same time, we parents had a vitamin surging through our system: Vitamin Victory.
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Today we travelled to Glossop, treated to rainbows and patches of golden hour sunlight on the hills of the Peak District.
We were there to see Jo and Al in their lovely house with a garden that stretches down a slope and back a ways to a pond. It’s a garden demanding the installation of a zipwire. I suggested that today and expect it will be completed by the next time I visit. That they haven’t put this in yet should bring them great shame.
Gavin and Catherine and Adrian and (Clare?) were there too. All of us have two children. Even Ethan can do that (those?) math(s) – that’s 8 kids. In the kitchen, wine was offered. All of us said no because all of us would have fallen asleep. The main reason parents get together to eat at each other’s houses and try to have a conversation over the din of a glut of children – is that their collective noun? – is to have someone acknowledge how tired they are.
The Dads stayed in the back garden long after the bonfire refused to stay aflame for more than 2 minutes without the liberal use of lighter fluid. It wouldn’t stay lit because the entire north of England will now be Generally Moist until approximately June 2nd, whereupon we will have our annual 8 hours of sun. I like to ask fellow parents, “What do you like to do in your spare time?” just to see the involuntarily torrent of expressions and emotions that flit across their face. Wistful, resigned, incredulous.
For dinner, it was baked potato, beans, sausage. It was perfect for a chilly autumn night. We all gathered outside to watch Al set off one firework at a time. Al was criticised for having no musical accompaniment, at which he offered to fly a firework into our faces, which was fair. We’re shooting off fireworks to commemorate Guy Fawkes day, because there’s no better way to mark the occasion of a public dismemberment than with multiple explosives.
By 7pm, the children had all lost their minds. They’d lost the ability to talk and all who had the ability to run and scream did so as much as they could. One child appeared to very gently lay down on the kitchen floor but then reacted as though the linoleum bludgeoned her leg. Gavin and I attempted to talk about good culture we’d seen, but were attacked by 5 children throwing soft cubes at us, deliriously laughing. The adults all agreed we should do this again much sooner, because we had been too tired to properly get into how tired we were.
Ethan and Rose collapsed on the stairs at home, too tired to move. Rose pronounced tired as “ti-yed.” One at a time, I had to carry the children up the stairs. I attempted to put them on their feet, but the legs had turned to jelly. I brushed their teeth with them on my knee, like I used to years ago, 1000 Things They Didn’t Know ago. They had just enough strength left to get their pajamas on and crawl into bed. I said goodnight to Rose and made her giggle by speaking in a low voice close to her neck. I said goodnight to Ethan, who still sounds the cutest when he says, “I love you, Daddy.” I told them it was nice to see them today and it’s nice to see them every day.
Jason Warner Talks Good 
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